


Dead Tonys Aint No Fun

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Civil War Team Iron Man, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Not Steve Friendly, Not Wanda Friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 15:53:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14060328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: Everyone has their favorites-- including Lady Death. She's not happy when Thanos plays macho and hurts what's hers.





	Dead Tonys Aint No Fun

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

Thanos looked down at the bearded blond man who was grimacing, red faced with effort, as he clutched at Thanos' gauntlet. It was a lot like a chihuahua attacking your shoes.

Thanos watched for a few more seconds, mildly amused, before he raised his arm, with the man hanging from it, and then shook his hand, flicking the blond off to land on a heap of rubble and lie there whimpering.

He threw his head back and laughed. "Is that the best you can do? I am almost ashamed to lay your planet's corpse at the feet of my lady!"

"And SO YOU SHOULD be ASHAMED!" a voice as overwhelming as his, but decidedly feminine, rang out, bringing silence to the battlefield. Even the wounded and dying were silent.

"MY LADY!" Thanos whirled, a huge grin on his face. "I knew you would come!"

Lady Death stepped delicately over a feebly twitching body, picking her way past until she stopped over a crumpled figure in battered metal. "You killed my PET!"

"Um, what?" Thanos said.

She picked up Iron Man and cradled him in her arms. "MY Merchant of DEATH!"

"Ah. Well, it's good that he's now in your realm, isn't it?" Thanos said, shifting uneasily from foot to foot, accidentally squashing Wanda Maximoff who let out a soft squeak before expiring in a puff of pink smoke.

"Dead people are BORING, Thanos! They don't do anything interesting! Why do you think I didn't let my Merchant die of drinking, of torture, of open-heart surgery without anesthetics, of poisoning, or of lying for hours in freezing temperatures with broken ribs?" Lady Death glared at Thanos.

"I'm sorry... I'll get you another pet?" Thanos looked around hastily, and picked up the nearest human by the scruff. "Look, a kitty?"

"Not good enough," Lady Death said.

Thanos tossed T'Challa aside. "I'm really, really sorry. Isn't there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Maybe." Lady Death's cold eyes narrowed. She stepped close to Thanos. "What would you give me?"

"Anything," Thanos said fervently. "Anything, my Lady."

Lady Death smiled. "Kiss me and give me what I want."

Thanos grinned and obeyed. 

"I want your immortality," she whispered.

Thanos' eyes widened and his purple face wrinkled up and turned black just like a raisin, as a bright golden glow poured from his mouth to hers. He shriveled and fell, croaking like a large toad, before he crumpled into a pile of black briquets.

Lady Death peeled aside the last of the armor covering Tony's face, and kissed him. The golden glow flowed into his mouth, and his eyes widened as she laid him gently on the ground.

"Did someone kiss me?" he asked, befuddled.

"I did," Lady Death told him.

"Oh." Tony blinked. "You're gorgeous, you know, but... I'm committed. Fully committed. To Pepper." He edged away from the obvious goddess.

"Oh, that's lovely!" Lady Death said, clapping her hands. "I'm sure you'll make cute babies!" And then she vanished.

 

Two months later, after the immediate aftermath of worldwide destruction had been cleared up, and Tony had been voted an honorary Asgardian once they found out he was immortal, Tony heard Pepper futzing around in the bathroom for a long time, followed by silence and then a scream.

"What? What?" Tony said, hovering outside the door, not quite daring to break it down. Last time Pepper had screamed like that it was because there was a mouse, and she'd been mad at him for seeing her standing on the toilet.

The door opened. Pepper waved something small in front of his eyes so fast he couldn't focus on it. "You SWORE you had a vasectomy!"

"I... oh... maybe when Lady Death kissed..." Tony ducked when Pepper started throwing things. "It wasn't my fault! Help!" 

 

Jarvis woke up in the sub-annex of Lady Death's realm, the one set aside for people she couldn't categorize. "I'm coming, Sir!" he said, and created a back door to reality so he could upload himself into an Iron Man suit.

 

Lady Death sat back in a comfortable chair, and watched the show, smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone mentioned expecting Tony to be killed in Infinity Wars. I have been very careful NOT to see any trailers, (although a few gifs sifted past my barriers) but I would not be surprised if they were right.
> 
> So I'm preemptively fixing it. ;^)


End file.
